How not to lose yourself in a relationship

Online Dating, relationship / Saturday, August 15th, 2020

Dates have changed to dating. Then you started living together. And everything’s fine. In the first stages you feel that you are one, your desires and aspirations merged together, and nothing can break your union in half.  Does that sound familiar?

Actually, in life and in psychology is the norm when there is no “yours” and “mine”, but “ours”, common. It’s a common thing – interests, desires, physical contact, breakfast from the same plate and everything. Some say they want to “eat” their lover directly.

Not the norm, however, such a merger becomes after, after a year or two, when the relationship has moved to a new stage and you have created a family. In psychology, this kind of behavior is called conflation – when a person does not understand and does not feel either his or her own or others’ boundaries. Such people are willing to give up their last shirt for the sake of another, rush to save and help without sparing themselves. However, the “bill” that they charge for their services afterwards will be too high. It will be impossible to cover it in principle.

How does it happen in life? When they help, they do not accept any gratitude in return. They don’t need money or other material or immaterial goods, even compliments are swept away. But after a while you will be asked for a favor, as if on purpose, at the wrong time and place.  Most often, this service will be an ultimatum: “now or never,” “or me or them.

Give your partner the opportunity to do what he wants and live the way he wants

It is extremely difficult to accept and even more so to implement. After all, we all often think that we know better who should do what. On the part of other people’s lives, it seems to us an easy task. That’s why in pairs scandals arise from advice from each other: where and by whom to work, what to eat, how to dress and which of the friends better to forget forever. All this is a violation of another person’s border.

Accepting the hobbies and features of the other

Perhaps, this is the most sincere manifestation of love and the pledge of a long and happy life. The best solution is to find dignity in “shortcomings”. In the meticulousness of the spouse, for example, you can see a huge plus. Just imagine: all questions with documents, authorities and any negotiations can be given under the control of the owner of a difficult character trait, and be sure that everything will be in perfect order. But when trying to change it, it seems to us, for the better, both lose.

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